Recently, my mind is occupied by this question for a very long time. Relationship or tinder hookup? Obviously, you cannot have them both. That would be morally wrong. But I hate to lose any of them. Being in a relationship gives me a sense of belongings. There is someone who is always there for me and in return, I get to say to people “she is mine.” That feels great. Plus, when you work very late or hang out with friends till midnight, there will be someone who is waiting for you to help you and get you into bed. I like that feeling. That is also the reason I favor marriage. However, on the other hand, when I think of one night hookup with different kind of person, my mind wavers. I am a freedom worshiper. I think such a kind of person can never be satisfied in a marriage. Being afraid to let my wife or my girlfriend down and hurt their feelings, I still am worried about my life of getting married and I am now 35. Many people told me that I have this feeling because I haven’t met the right person. Once I met my special one, I would do anything just to be with her for the rest of my life. I guess I can never meet my special one. I am born alone and will be alone forever.
Actually, I think I met my special one. She is a high school teacher. We met during a trip to LA. I was alone and so did she. We stayed at one hotel. My room next to hers. We spend that holiday together in LA and after that, we were together for nearly two years. I have never been in such a long-term relationship before in my life. Sometimes, even I can’t understand myself. I love her, very much. But every time I imagined myself being with her for the rest of my life, I didn’t feel happy, but only sad. Then my mind would turn to those thought of exciting one night hookups. I never cheated on her. Every time I felt like to, I would go to local hookup apps and swipe some profiles and got over it. I never found one single person who understand me.
We broke up last month. She said she needs to be with someone who loves her as much as she loves him. She thought I didn’t love her as much as she loves me, but I really think I did. Maybe I was just a selfish guy who love no one but myself. There was something inside me that is still remain undiscovered. Even I couldn’t figure out what it is, but there is definitely something that holds me back from entering into marriage. Hookup or marriage? I don’t think that is what I am wondering about, but I have no other clue.